A bit carried away.
Its always been a problem of mine but I don’t know what to do with it but it’s just part of my nature. Ever since who knows when I have always been eaten up but the romantic ideas of love and relationships and how that feels conceptionally. Being the person who naturally loves helping and doing things for others I naturally want someone to want to do the same. Not in the sense of a good friend since all my friends love doing things for me and I’m forever grateful of it but more then that. I want that feeling of knowing someone specifically loves me for a very intimate reason. I want to know that someone will go out of their way to make my day as I would always do for them. I struggle with this want since I tend to go out of my way to make it easier for people to use me because in my head letting people in easily is a way of allowing them to know how I love people and in return I just hope they will adsorb it love it and want to be with it. I let my standards go just because I want this person so bad and in result I get what people think they see, easy. I am seen as easy then the moment they find out that I am more then they thought I was they run away.
It breaks my heart everyday wanting to find this perfect someone for this moment of my life but not achieving it. It breaks my friends hearts since I always talk about this want for more but it just appears that I’m desperate which is true. I’m desperate for someone to love me as I love my peers. I’m thankful for the ones who really do the same and dish out exactly what I dish out and for that I forget for a split second about this want for the other half of me. I’m surrounded by love so why do I desperately want more. It never really felt this type of bond with anyone else except for one other person but for the moment his life is about to launch and change while mine is already on that track. He cares a lot about me and I do of him too but his priorities are different from mine (naturally.) I have let myself lose my standard and allowed people in and out and use me over and over because I am always searching for this love but is it really worth it? I think I’m doing it wrong though. I believe what comes around goes around but the thing I wonder about it why hasn’t mine come back around yet? Although my friends and family always go %100 for me why hasn’t anyone else has? I fear life is not as simple as it sounds and things just happen because it does but I worry it will never happen for me when I need it to.
I have analyzed myself over and over yes I’m not perfect but I’m far away from being the perfect at fault. I just someone who will be dominant but allow me to control things that make me happy. I want this person to be calm ,collected, and a perfect I can come to to just carry my thoughts to and have just an understanding of me as a person and artist. I want to look up to this person and not envy them but just love them. There has to be something they are better that I am and of course vis-versa.
Life is An Alternative 
No trackbacks yet.