No more hopeless romantic.


One more thing I must be in the driver seat. It’s a strange idea but it is the truth now. Life is a place that is molded by your own actions and choices and not by anyone else. You can only choose to be submissive by your nature. As for me I am a person who likes to be submissive and guided. I have goals for my professional life that I will take charge and nothing will stop me but as for other aspects of life I kind of like to lay back and hope for something good will come my way. Sadly, life is not a fairytale and nothing good nor bad will come your way for no reason.

The realization that may me want to force myself to really get more active in the casual social world. I never really asserted myself anything too social but because of that I have missed out in so many opportunities that could of may great stories and memories to think back on but no. I didn’t do them. I sat in the background half of the time minding my own business. The other half of my time my peers that were close to me brought me into the social circle. The problem now is that I learned that I can’t really rely on others to really get what I truly want. They have ideas of what I like but it will never be exactly what I want. This has been a problem of mine since who knows.

Not satisfied with results of my causal dating life I am finally taking charge of it now. I am trying to wrap my head around the idea of talking and mingling with people that I am actually interested in. I can’t just hope for them to notice me in the background anymore. That plan has failed so many times and it sucks. Instead of getting a straight answer on anything , you much rely on others words. Shyness will be the one thing I must overcome but I think I can do it. Why not?

No more sitting back.

2013
03/17
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Called out.


I love my friends dearly. They really made my freshmen year absolutely amazing but I feel that they always see the most unflattering parts of me. The parts where I am too quick to judge but sadly most of the time I judged correctly. In that window of time when they I judged to when the see what I see I feel that I am always seen as the bad guy. The guy that always seems to be on someone’s ass about something. I absolutely hate this idea I get that people are beginning to not like me because of this one characteristic of me. Am I the bitch of the group? I tried not to hurt people but I guess the act of calling people out results in hurting peoples’ feelings, well damn. Honestly, I feel that I shouldn’t stop doing this but more like I should just stop caring so much about others sometimes. People need to fail and thats that. If they can’t handle some criticism they will just learn it the hard way,from people who really don’t give a fuck about them. I used to try to help by first addressing the problem and hopefully they will realize what to do but really…. things never turn out that perfectly.

I’m afraid of what this thing of mine will do to my friends. I never had this problem before since my friends back home had the same mentality and my family were of course naturally critical so I was surrounded by it. Being in some place new means new people. I guess that I have meant people who are more sympathetic then me and that are also more sensitive. Not that I’m saying that does people are weaker or whatever but… I’m learning how to work and live with them.

Also I have learn again that I reflect exactly how people treat me. It’s a nasty thing I do but it never seems to go away. If you are being just accidentally rude or disrespectful to me I will do the same to you…Spiteful much, oh yes. Meanwhile, If you are the sweetest to me I will adore you will all my heart’s desires. I must find this balance since it is something a very ugly site to see. It tends to stir up problems and that is definitely the last thing I need to deal with.

Overall, I feel like the bad guy but with a god heart. I am blunt and to the point which can be jarring for some and the people who can understand my absurd mannerism it is seen as good hearted but harsh. Am I at fault for being to harsh or is it that some people just don’t understand my way of trying to help. It’s gotten to a point that I just glaze over it now and what is done is not my problem anymore. I feel that I am losing this sense of wanting to help. I hope they and I can try to both understand each other so work with it. As of now I feel like the bad guy. I hate it sometimes yet I becoming slowly numb to it. I promise I mean well. Truly.

2013
03/13
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being adults makes us…..


Growing up is part of everyones’ life but why does it have to happen like this. I miss my childhood so much sometimes I just want to relive every moment of it. I miss the times when I wasn’t struggle with who I was, wanting to be this perfect person, and to be frank not being so fake, even to people that I have grew up with. I hate keeping up this face that I feel I have to have all the time since if I don’t it will just start more drama……. I was listening to a few throw-back songs and really….I do miss the times I just lived life and never thought twice about it. I grew up kind of lower class but not really but because of that I have very fond memories of random things….knock off toys. Also I have really strong memories with my cousins and going every where with them all summer long till recently. Till life got in the way. Life, and jealous. I could only wish things could be the same again but it will never be the same. I must learn to continue living with it but it’s horrible. I don’t know what happened to us but it’s not the same as it used to be. Both of our lives are not perfect but that is what makes it memorable and what shapes us to be good ,well versed people. If so why did you turn out to be someone I used to know? I used to know you as my best friend since who knows when and my sister but now we barely speak. Is it fair to say that we just tolerate each other now? I still love you with all my heart but what happened to you? I hope life doesn’t push you down to the point you can’t even recognized who you are and who I am.  I can’t ever say this to your face but I can only hope that one day the old real you will come back to you so we can resume our relationship again.

2013
01/08
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A bit carried away.


Its always been a problem of mine but I don’t know what to do with it but it’s just part of my nature. Ever since who knows when I have always been eaten up but the romantic ideas of love and relationships  and how that feels conceptionally. Being the person who naturally loves helping and doing things for others I naturally want someone to want to do the same. Not in the sense of a good friend since all my friends love doing things for me and I’m forever grateful of it but more then that. I want that feeling of knowing someone specifically loves me for a very intimate reason. I want to know that someone will go out of their way to make my day as I would always do for them. I struggle with this want since I tend to go out of my way to make it easier for people to use me because in my head letting people in easily is a way of allowing them to know how I love people and in return I just hope they will adsorb it love it and want to be with it. I let my standards go just because I want this person so bad and in result I get what people think they see, easy. I am seen as easy then the moment they find out that I am more then they thought I was they run away.

It breaks my heart everyday wanting to find this perfect someone for this moment of my life but not achieving it. It breaks my friends hearts since I always talk about this want for more but it just appears that I’m desperate which is true. I’m desperate for someone to love me as I love my peers. I’m thankful for the ones who really do the same and dish out exactly what I dish out and for that I forget for a split second about this want for the other half of me. I’m surrounded by love so why do I desperately want more. It never really felt this type of bond with anyone else except for one other person but for the moment his life is about to launch and change while mine is already on that track. He cares a lot about me and I do of him too but his priorities are different from mine (naturally.) I have let myself lose my standard and allowed people in and out and use me over and over because I am always searching for this love but is it really worth it? I think I’m doing it wrong though. I believe what comes around goes around but the thing I wonder about it why hasn’t mine come back around yet? Although my friends and family always go %100 for me why hasn’t anyone else has? I fear life is not as simple as it sounds and things just happen because it does but I worry it will never happen for me when I need it to.

I have analyzed myself over and over yes I’m not perfect but I’m far away from being the perfect at fault. I just someone who will be dominant but allow me to control things that make me happy. I want this person to be calm ,collected, and a perfect I can come to to just carry my thoughts to and have just an understanding of me as a person and artist. I want to look up to this person and not envy them but just love them. There has to be something they are better that I am and of course vis-versa.

2013
01/08
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Well 2012. thanks


Well as the year of 2012 which was suppose to end everything comes to an actual end i just want to reflect on the things that really made this year amazing!

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 The wrap of my high school life was ever so perfect. I had an amazing art class that follow me for all of my high school career and I can’t say enough how much all the friendships that came from that really mean to me!  I was so blessed to be surrounded by so many talented people that happen to be my best friends too!

      ImageI got to experience prom with a date which is was also one of my bestest friends. Thanks to him for making my wish to have a date to prom come true. I can’t  emphasize that enough how much that means to me. As an artist at the high school level I got to create what i really wanted and create the environments that I dreamt for years then had the pleasure to debut the body of work to the public along with my peers senior thesis work too!

ImageMeanwhile, I also was chosen to be the first high school level designer to ever show in a RVA Fashion Week event. I was lucky enough to be schedule to be in the finale show and got to debut my first truly full fashion collection entitled Gridded Organza in a professional environment. So thank you for RVAFW and I hope to work with this amazing team in the near future! All in all the ending of my high school life was amazing! I solidified friendships, artistic voice, and goals as an artist. It was the last time I was a little kid and it was amazing and I will never trade with anything in the world.

     ImageNaturally in the fall of 2012 (since I graduated from high school) I began my new journey at MIC/A (Maryland Institute College of Art!) Literally the best thing I could of done for myself. Sure I always wonder what would happen if I went or applied to more school but in the very end I and pretty solid that I belong at MIC/A. I create a new life for myself with a new but strangely familiar group of close friends. I am just overly too thankful that I had the luck to meet each and everyone of them! As an artist I got to start fresh but still have the advantage of knowing all the knowledge that I already acquired during high school. I got to began to make something of myself and really begin to start craving into my future.

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  And to combine them together I got to celebrate the holiday season with both parts of my life; first at MIC/A which our first Christmas as a group of friends together and we had the amazing opportunity to really bond and show our love to each other. Of course back at home  I hosted my annual Christmas Potluck for my art class and we did the same and swapped stories about our new lives we made while still having nostalgic of the times we spent with each other.

2012
12/27
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I’m a little Christmased out…


Not  gonna lie but I’m a bit Christmased out this year. I been feeling a bit overwhelmed with the holiday season with the pressure of giving gifts (but for the right reason,) wrapping them, decorations….literally all the things I love about this time of year. I guess the reason why I feel a bit out of steam this year is because I feel that I am always the one making the Christmas. It doesn’t feel like a collective holiday for me. Since my family doesn’t really get Christmas besides for the gifts and stuff….there is no connection for them. I can say my mom is really trying and is really beginning to love it too but the cultural boundary is just killing me. I am literally trying to create a Christmas that they never even thought about having along with me trying to make a Christmas (up to my standards too) for myself too. I just feel that no one is doing the same for me. I am thankful for the few family members and friends that really go out of their way to get gifts especially for me and just put a lot of time and thought with everything they do but for the rest ehhhh….. I think I might be over thinking these things but the thing that really triggered this feeling for me is seeing all the Christmas everything being put on 50% off and being pushed around like trash in the stores….. It makes Christmas look like its kind of a menas and there is not sacred aspect of it anymore. Its all done for commercial use and the moment it might be in the way for profit it’s just pushed to the side like it’s nothing. Sure people have been saying that this holiday has really lost it’s spirit but I truly see it now. Sure I’m not Christian in anyway nor have any religious to Christmas but for me Christmas was just a nice break from the nasty winter and now it’s becoming part of the nasty now……What can we do to fix this problem. I love this time of year but it seems to be falling apart and losing it’s sense of magic that it once held so tightly. 

2012
12/19
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In the mix of the season.


While this time of year gives me so much joy and happiness there is something about it that was never as special as it seem to be for everyone else. Its really mainly because my family was never very holiday spirit until I came around and really I was the one who really pushed it on them. So in a since I never really felt like it was the truest spirit of the season. For us, Christmas is just a time to enjoy the decoration,sales,shopping, and of course family time. The thing that we don’t have with Christmas that everyone else has,….cultural and religious connection. Its only been the past 20 years that my family has been celebrating Christmas in a serious manner..(really because of me..hehehe.) So because of that my parents never had a huge connection with the classic cartoons, the traditions (until now,),and pretty much any other things about Christmas. They enjoy it but thats it. The holiday that really hits home for us is the Lunar (Chinese) New Year. I realized this when I was watching Kung Fu Panda’s Holiday where they talk about the typical family thing and how the hustle of the season can over shadow the true reason for the season…. I really can relate to this specific holiday movie is because that it is implied that is “Winter Holiday” they are having is heavily inspired from the Lunar New Year. LNY does have cultural and religious connection to us so we do take time (all of us) to truly enjoy the festive time of year. Christmas is one of my favorite times of year but what I truly hold near and dear to my heart is the Lunar New Year.

2012
12/05
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The things you realize after a while


After being just blessed and just god damn lucky to attend this year’s Teen Vogue U I have come to the realization of one main topic that every designer has said in there little speeches….they have all said to say true to your own artistic style. I always knew that but it has never really been tested until yesterday. As you few loyal readers know that by now (or I can just tell you now) is that I have a very specific type of dress. I tend to have to semi-tailor look to my style with hints of vintage,second hand, and splashes of metal femenine accents. So of course this comes very naturally to me and in my head it is very effortless. Its happens to be just also I buy almost everything n calm and neutral colors so it just lends itself to be just brainless to match in the early mornings of MICA or in this case NYC.

I talk about this since I had an almost insulting yet refreshing encounter to a student photographer. He was going around a photographing people who had “effortless” style during  this Teen Vogue U event. Sure that sounds very typical, a fashion photographer just getting a boat load of pictures. Surely I was not thinking about being photographed but then my fellow friend who was right next to me at the moment was apporached to be photographed for his “effortless” style. I can’t say it was effortless but it was much more urban,trendy, and experimental then what I was wearing. He was wearing a DIY bleach ombre button up with stud detailing on the collar, a gray blazer with polka dot trim on the pockets, dark red skinny jeans and black and white bowling style shoes. In contrasting with me with my all black button up,slim pants, satin skinny fit blazer, accented with a white and black polka dotted bow tie, a Christian Dior gold tags necklace, gold pin on the blazer, then my typical Asos brown leather oxford shoes with printed socks. I can I just say in this situation that I know for a fact that we both take roughly the same amount of time and effort in our outfits but the real contrasting factor of us is the actual style. Him being being more trendy and just more youthful in style where I am just more classic and simple which is accented with ornate details. I can’t just which is more effortless or easy but to tell you the truth mine felt easy to me since I had a very limited color scheme and had a solid base to work from. For him which was much more complicated where there were contrasting patterns,textures, and fits.

So to go off from the word “effortless” I personally don’t think effortless is the right adjective to really say anyone style is. I just think it is a just the sense of age,current trendiness of it…so many more factors that make it look more grunge, urban ,thrown together but the ironic thing is that “throwing” things together is much more difficult then just saying simple and classic. Not saying one is better or easier then the other but I want to make a point of miss using the word effortless. I personally do understand how I can look very put together, posed…and all things both casual at all but saying someone that they are not effortless is just rude. Its basically saying that we have a visual struggle everyday with yourself and how you want to visual represent you as a working person.

For a good day of so I had a identity crisis ( ok,not really but) I began to question myself for a while and does my visual look or style really relate to the public anymore or does it look forced? I talked it through with a fellow friend (Caroline Wimberly Smith who goes to PARSONS!) about this questioning of life and she and I talked it through and I came to the understanding that personal aesthetics and style is who we are as artist and we need to stay with it. No matter what trend (which is currently is rough and tough miss matching…) just do what feel most comfortable and best represents you and or how you feel as yourself at that moment. I thought for a second  that I lost to sense of taste, unique quality of me, just something wasn’t there anyone but really I was just looking in the wrong areas. I’m not youthful, 100% trendy…sure I have elements of that but I’m built on classics and nostalgic styles. Sure that might not appeal to some people and obviously it won’t on style forever but who really cares anymore. I obviously is trying to faze my way out of that now. Thanks to this miss have , I have just became someone who is really beginning to own ones self.

2012
10/21
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A place. A worry.


I can’t lose reason why I am here at MICA doing what I do. Everyday I remind myself that I am here for a reason and I can never lose sight of that. On a daily basis I worry if I’m doing this right or am I really the artist that everyone thought I was.. Surely I am the artist I believe who I am. I’m built of very simple and basic dreams and ideas, I explain on them revolve with it. I can say I am very protective of what this dream is. I can recall this occasion where few peers of mine said Disneyworld is better then Disneyland (btw all my work stems from Disneyland.) Instantly, I lashed back and explained why these are two different places with subduely different motives. I couldn’t stress enough how much being in that place molded me as in artist then to have someone question if its really that good of a place….it hurt me. Sure the ignorances of the people who never been to this place can never truly understand it but comparing it to a vaguely simliar place….uhh.Surely this sounds very petty of me just ranting about this small detail of my life, I couldn’t believe how strongly I felt about it. The realization of something as simple yet as complex as a themed park shocked for a bit. I have abstract motives to translate art into a more interactive medium for the viewers but that is what Disneyland is. The craft and work that went into that place is just awe inspiring. I can’t blame them for not understanding since they don’t know why I’m so passionate about it but I still do feel hurt for them to be so uneducated about it. There view on the land is just horrid. They believe that the land is just an experiment for the world….sure in a sense yes but they are catered to two different demographics of people…let me stop or this would go on forever.

 

To sum this up, I can’t handle the ignorance of people these days.

2012
09/17
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I got it! Through the London Fog


I finally got it! I thought of it during my very very late nights surfing the web. The perfect theme for me to center my next haute couture styled collection. Through the London Fog. I want this coming collection to show London’s iconic fashion trends and look through the ages. I also wanted to keep a more mysterious outlook on this wonderful place with its very infamously known fog. I want to highlight the natural weathering of the buildings and landscapes and also how it effects the people lifestyle because of this strange thing that only happens in this place. I was always drawn to the clean,polished style of London along with the very gritty atmosphere that it can seem from an outsider like me. Also I want to highlight the also very lively art scene in London and how it also clashes beautifully with the stable,royal, tailored look of London. Overall I want to create a viewers version of London. I done now. Back to blogging silly stuff. Get ready for a F/W 13 Collection inspired by fog and London. And of course with my personal asthetics too.. like art deco,victorian…..I can’t reveal too much except for UMBRELLAS!

2012
08/16
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